would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
