...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
