Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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