Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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