A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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