i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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