I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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