so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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