I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
