You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
