hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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