I'm pants shitting drunk right now
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Two words: blizzard sex
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
