We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
