I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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