Sry I called you an 8
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am one with the molecules
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
