I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
