It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
