Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
