Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize