Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
