Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
