I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She announced her abortion via fbk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
