Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize