it's too hot outside to masturbate.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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