He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
