i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
