u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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