twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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