so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
