your parents love me but you hate me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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