guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
