Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize