...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
did i walk over a car last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
