Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
