he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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