This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
