I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
