just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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