So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
