who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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