my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
