Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm like, not good at living.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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