; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
