those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
