You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
