why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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