You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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