grandma shit on top of the toilet
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
