Jerry, you need to find god
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
