Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
