He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
