So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
