i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
