Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
