Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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